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It’s not easy for a child when it’s time to change from “only child” to “big sister” or “big brother.” He will have many concerns, some of which are quite valid. He may worry that his parents won’t love him anymore, or not as much. He may worry that he won’t get as much attention or be able to do the same things he’s used to. He may be angry or fearful about hurting the baby, and may suddenly be given extra responsibilities or pushed to a new level of independence.
When a new baby arrives, an older sibling is often thrilled at the prospect of having a new playmate. It can be a disappointment to learn that the baby can’t play with him, and worse yet, needs a lot of attention and care. The baby will cry a lot and the noise is just as irritating to siblings as it is to parents. He’ll want to hold the baby and parents will hover anxiously to be sure it’s done properly, and to make sure their play and interaction won’t hurt the baby. Baby usually comes first, and this can build resentment.
One idea is to make the sibling responsible for certain aspects of the baby’s care, though you should avoid pushing interaction if the child doesn’t want to do it. The sibling can fetch diapers and clothing items, help with bathing the baby by handing you the shampoo and towel, and sing and talk to the baby to keep her happy. Depending on the age of the older sibling, he can be assigned duties such as checking to see if she’s wakened from her nap, retrieving toys she’s tossed from her playpen, wiping her face after meals, or even watching her while you shower. My daughter was 2 ½ when her brother was born, and she helped with many things including watching him in the living room while I prepared meals (peeking often around the corner) and being the “outside rail” in bed during naptime. These interactions can go a long way toward creating a strong bond between siblings and making the older one confident of his abilities.
Older siblings can resent the attention and help given to the younger one, and feel forced toward greater responsibilities. Try not to push too hard, even if this means allowing them to regress a bit. Expect young children to resist toilet training and have accidents, ask to be fed, dressed, and ask for other assistance they didn’t need before. Emphasize how many things they can do that the baby can’t. They can eat delicious food, but all the baby gets is milk and slimy baby food. They can jump, run, climb and swing – the baby can only crawl. It’s good to be the older sibling.
Often, the baby tends to come first with attention and affection. It can be very helpful when possible to make the baby wait. Older siblings are used to having immediate attention, and the younger sibling is often much more flexible in learning to wait. Often second children are more capable of entertaining themselves than the first, for good reason. Capitalize on this trait. Unless the baby is crying or in immediate need, let your older child lead the show. Younger siblings often get “dragged along” to older ones’ activities, and they usually benefit from it. They learn patience, and they learn other skills more quickly with an older child to emulate.
Bedtimes can be tough when there’s a baby to tend. If daddy hasn’t been involved in the child’s nightly routines, it’s a good time to start. Don’t suddenly force daddy on a child who is used to mommy at bedtime, though. Just do what works – let daddy entertain the baby until the older child is asleep, or put the baby to bed first while daddy reads to the older child. I put the baby in the middle and read to his sister while nursing him, then told her to wait while I put him to bed and hoped she fell asleep while waiting.
When the situation is handled with sensitivity and fairness, an older sibling will usually react favorably to the arrival of a baby. Ideally, he’ll be fascinated by a view of what he did when he was a baby, without feeling left out of the intimate circle. Most older siblings are fiercely protective of younger ones, and delight in the opportunity to teach the little one all about the world around them.
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